The Idiot's Guide To Liberal Protests

With things now heating up (if you can call it that) with the whole Cindy Sheehan spectacle, I figured I would do my civic duty and inform the public of a few simple rules to follow if you're planning your very own Liberal Protest.

1. Be anti-Bush. This obviously goes without saying, but it's nice to reiterate it since it's really the only platform we liberals have anymore.

2. Don't be from a Red State. This is as redundant as Rule #1, but not quite as black-and-white. If you can show proof that, while you live in a Red State you still voted for Kerry in the last election, your protest will still be considered valid.

3. Location, location, location. This cannot be stressed enough. Go to the source. Say for example you want to protest the president. Prime real estate would be either outside the White House or at his home in Crawford, TX when he's on one of those vacation thingies. (Many Republicans protesting Ted Kennedy have used this rule to great effect by stationing themselves at bars throughout the DC area.)

4. Find a leader. The most qualified person would be someone who has lost something dear because of the person/policy you are protesting. A good example would be a mother who lost a son in a war that she doesn't agree with. This is quite possibly the most unimpeachable spokesperson you can have. Once you loose a loved one, your cause becomes bullet proof regardless of what kind of diarhhea comes out of your mouth!

5. If opposing forces set up camp near you, kindly inform them that they have no right to protest. Simply say, "We were here first!" then do raspberries at them and fall to the ground imitating your best two-year old temper tantrum.

6. If someone challenges you and/or the point you're trying to make, use foul language. This will fire up your base support and really drive home the fact that your views are right and their's are wrong. Nothing says "We're right" better than "Go fuck yourself".

7. Get on TV. This will bring your message to the masses while garnering sympathy from the media who will in turn continue to give you more air-time, thus creating a never-ending cycle of publicity. As Martha would say, "It's a very good thing."

8. Don't be fat. If you've accomplished Rule #7, keep in mind that people are watching. No one will consider your point of view if they have to look at that kind of grotesquery.

9. Use props. If say, you're against a war, make crosses of those killed in said war and paint the names of the fallen on them. Post them around your site. It looks really cool. (Nevermind getting permission to use names of soldiers killed who you do not know. Your cause is just. They and the loved ones left befind won't mind at all.)

10. Get hippies to sing at your protest. This is a great way to relax and get your mind off of all those TV interviews for awhile. It also helps if the singer has a political message in step with your own. This will put the spotlight on them for a couple hours so that you can run to the bathroom or grab some trail mix.

A few other suggestions to follow:
- Make anti-semitic remarks. There are only 4 people left in the world who still like Jews, and who needs them on your side to begin with?
- Demand things that you've already received. This diminishes the chance that you'll get it again thereby making you out to be a victim. Liberals love victims. And they will love you.
- Once the protest is established, use your soapbox and the media to preach your newfound knowledge about what's wrong with the world to the masses. It would be a waste to get tons of attention and coverage and only focus on one issue. Besides, we all know that fame equals knowledge and it would be a shame to let the truth go unsaid.

Follow these simple rules and your protest will go off without a hitch! And remember. The Left is Right. And the Right is Wrong.

Thanks to Ace and Confederate Yankee.