Thursday, July 21, 2005

You're Joking, Right? Like... Seriously, You Gotta' Be Joking.

First, red pens were too harsh - sending a negative message to any student unprepared enough to get a test back covered in the evil, demoralizing, Hue of Hell.

Apparently, that wasn't working fast enough. Students still were down on themselves for getting bad grades. How are mom and dad ever gonna' magnet your spelling quiz to the fridge if it's defiled by the Bad Color??

We must do more. We must.... do this.


I'll let that sink in for a sec.



Ya' OK? .... No? .... Few more minutes then....



Ok, enough. I'm almost laughing. "Deferred success"??? What the shit is that?

"Hi mom, here's my report card. Yeah... I deferred success in Algebra and Bio this semester."

"That's ok, hon. You're still a truly gifted child. I'm sure it's just your teachers' methods. I'll call the school board tomorrow and have them fired. No more deferring success for you!!"



While we're at it, here's other things that should go in order to maintain a pristine ego in your special little kid:

- Gym classes with units dealing in sports. One team will have to lose as is the nature of the game. Best to stick with just Power Walking and Square Dancing. Everyone's a winner!!

- Debate teams. You're just begging for the losing team to run home, find dad's razor, and slit their wrists with this kind of activity. No good. I suggest starting Self-Affirming Teams. Each team will tell the other how great they are and what nice uniforms they have for two 20 minute sessions, at the end of which a buzzer will sound and the Group Hug will commence.

- Crossword puzzles. I can never finish the damn things, so I'm sure your kid can't either. If they feel even a fraction of the disappointment and why-oh-why-God-am-I-so-stupid that I get when I throw the pen down in frustration, then I'm sure they've gotta be right on the edge. How 'bout just writing down happy thoughts in a nice paisley diary with a cool-blue ink pen? Aaahhhhhhhh..... Much better.

Effing ridiculous.

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